Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
