this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
