If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The ass gains better be worth it
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