Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
