I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
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