he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
