I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
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