he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
