Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
