I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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