i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
