my soul wont recognize me after tonight
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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