I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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