Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
