I'm so fucking centered right now
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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