Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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