If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
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I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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