My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
