A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
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Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I could fuck to npr.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize