i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
