I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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