someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
