She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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