I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
