I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
