I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
