i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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