every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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