it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
