I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
