I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
