I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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