I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
