Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
