if i can run in heels then i can drive
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
