I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
