So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
