I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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