Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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