One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
