He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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