bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
