I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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