I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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