There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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