roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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