let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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