I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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