the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize