i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
