You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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