You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
