I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My ass is underappreciated
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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