You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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