He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
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When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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