So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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