I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
