She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
